Grace.

Earlier today I was cruising through FB when I came across a post from one of my Muslim friends. Yes, actually, I do have those. My friends' post was claiming that Jesus is mentioned in the Quran on several occasions and that Muslim's view him as a great prophet. Okay, cool, I've heard that before. Recently we watched a video in my Sunday School class called "The Case for Faith." In this video, it talks about how Muslims view Jesus as a great prophet but not the Son of God, but if you think about it, it really makes no sense. Jesus openly proclaims to be the Son of God on several different occasions. But Muslims believe that Allah is the ONLY GOD. So someone please explain to me how Muslims still consider Jesus to be a great prophet even though, according to their belief system, he lies about being the Son of God. In the Muslim culture, Jesus proclaiming to be the Son of God should discredit all of his teachings, right? So why are they still acknowledging all of his other teachings, except that whole Son of God thing? Muslims should not think of him as a great prophet. They should think of him as a liar or a lunatic, quite frankly. IDK, just a thought that doesn't make sense to me.
I absolutely love studying other religions. I love comparing and contrasting the different beliefs and cultures that go along with religion. I love that every study I do comes back to Christianity being the only way, JESUS being the only way. The thing that really gets me is grace. GRACE. No other religion on earth preaches grace. A large majority of the religions believe that you can work your way to heaven. But Christianity is different. Christianity is the only religion on earth where God says, "You guys will never be good enough to work your way to me, so I'm going to make a different way. Here's Jesus. He's the only way to get to me. He's the only way to get to heaven. He's it. He's grace." No other religion on earth does that. Can you imagine how crazy it sounded to the early Christians? "What? You mean we don't have to kill and sacrifice animals anymore when we sin? Jesus covered it all? This is too good to be true." YES, it is! Grace is supposed to sound too good to be true. Grace is supposed to get your attention. Grace is different. Grace is new. Grace laughs in the face of the enemy who tells you that you can't work your way to heaven, that you'll never be good enough, that you should give up and accept your lost fate. Grace says, " there's no need to fight, you don't have to struggle, I paid the price, I did the hard part, just come to me." It's crazy. It's beautiful. It's love. It's GRACE.

Prayers

I have been so stressed out this week. Honestly I can't even explain why. I guess it's just everything happening at once. I haven't seen Ryan in a few days because he's been working every night. I have been fighting with my parents over stupid things. I'm getting behind on homework, and laundry, and thank you cards that need to be written. And to top it all off, I've been having terrible headaches every few days. They bring dizziness and nausea and fatigue and I'm just so tired of them. So today it just really got me down. I've been holding back tears every time I think about it. Well, tonight Ryan called me at 8:00, just like he does every night that he has to work. I answered his call and we talked for about 30 minutes. I tried to keep it short and didn't say much. He eventually asked me why I sounded so sad and I confessed that I'm really stressed out and didn't know why, perhaps just a build up of several things. And when I was about to begin crying, I had to stop myself from speaking. And Ryan asked me then, "how many times have you prayed today?" I admitted that I had not prayed at all today. I was ashamed and sad. Here I am struggling with stress and worry and anxiety and the God of the universe is available to hear me out, and I'm not even taking advantage of it. What on earth is wrong with me? I need to make a change. So tonight I'm praying for peace and understanding in my own life. I'm praying that this season of change in my life, will not cause me pain and fear any longer. I'm praying for my world to slow down just a little bit and give me time to catch my breath. I'm praying that people will see the peace in me and wonder why I've changed. I'm praying that they will be so perplexed by it, that they'll ask me what's up and God, when that happens, give me the words to say to tell people that you're the only reason for my peace. 

Second chances

So I found a song to use in our wedding. I don't know how I'm going to use it yet. I'm not sure if it's going to be my walk down the aisle song or our first dance song. All I know is that it perfectly encompasses the way I feel about Ryan. It's called "When I say I do" by Matthew West. The first few lyrics say, "there must be a God, I believe it's true. Because I can see his love when I look at you. And he must have a plan for this crazy life because he brought you here and placed you by my side. And I have never been so sure of anything before like I am in this moment here with you." It's so perfect because that's exactly the way I feel about Ryan. He is such a gift from God on my life.

So before I met him, I was in this five year relationship with another man. He was not an awful person by any stretch of the imagination, but we were pretty awful for each other honestly. It was long distance and we didn't get to spend enough time together. I was never his first priority and I always felt like I should have been. We were even engaged for a brief period of time, but that's all water under the bridge, and I have forgiven him now. 

The day we broke up, he told me that he believed that God was telling him we weren't meant to be together. #1 how cliché can we be? #2 he never talked to me about his relationship with God. How was I supposed to know what God was really telling him? I was so angry, you guys. I have never wanted to punch another living person so bad in my life. I was crying and shaking with rage. As he broke my heart, I began to shout, "What are you doing? What are you doing?"  He thought I was talking to him, but I wasn't. I was talking to God. How could God be to blame for ruining my plans? Why was he doing this to me? I was so mad at God. The next few days were a blur. But somewhere in the pain I began to forgive him and God for this unexpected throw back to square one.
A few months later, I met Ryan and I knew immediately that God intended him to be my husband. We both knew. Ryan talks to me about God on a daily basis. We build each other up. He loves me like Jesus does in the best way. He is selfless, compassionate, encouraging, loving, and he is always doing what is best for me. And the best part is that I've done nothing to deserve his love. I am not beautiful, I am not special. Why would he choose to love me? I am undeserving. In the same way, Christ chose me, even though I am ugly and rotten, on the inside and out. That's why the song I picked for the wedding means so much.  Because I do see God's love for me every time I look at Ryan. I see His love, His mercy, His forgiveness, His grace, and His wonderful  knack for giving second chances to the most undeserving souls. Thank you, God, for second chances and thank you, God, for Ryan. 

Wedding Songs

So my wedding is just 79 short days away. That seems so unreal. *Sets reminder to pack gym clothes before heading out in the morning* Anyways, most of the wedding planning is going pretty good thus far. However, I am stuck in the song department. I know what you're thinking. Why is it so hard to pick a few songs? I'll tell you why! I promise this is going to sound cliché, but it's really how I feel. Picking a song has been so hard because I don't feel like any of the songs I've heard fully encompass how much we really do love each other. Not only that, but all of the main stream wedding songs are so overused. I want to be unique. I want something no one would expect to be played at a wedding. I want a song that captures the way we feel about each other perfectly. A song that says we're lost without each other, that we prayed to meet each other for years before it actually happened, that we want to name our first son after Ryan's dad, that when one of us is crying, the other one cries too. Of course this unicorn of a song probably doesn't exist. But I have 79 more days to look for it or to write it myself lol.

What a difference two years can make

OMG, you guys. So I've been applying to all these different jobs online. Literally on like 10 different job search engines. Monster, Indeed, LinkedIn. You name it, I'm there. So this week I've been getting so many phone calls from strange numbers. I always think, "OMG, it's a job call back!" But it hasn't been that so far. Somehow or another, in my never ending (it seems) job hunt, I checked a box that said "contact me about furthering my education." So this morning I got FIVE (5) phone calls from this same number trying to get me to further my education. Hello, I have my education! If you're not calling about a job, step on. It's so frustrating.
 I live in the definition of a small town. Example: I can tell you the first, middle, and last name of everyone I graduated high school with, how many times they've been married, and how many children they have. When I decided to start studying to be a paralegal, I knew that it would be hard for me to find a job around here. I knew I would likely have to relocate to a bigger city with bigger law firms and thriving practices. I was cool with that. But I was not tied down at that time. Not that I consider Ryan to be tying me down, I wouldn't trade him for all the money and all the job offers on earth. But now, here I am, two years later, about to graduate, about to get married, about to move in with Ryan into a house that is even farther from the city.
Two years ago, I didn't even know Ryan. Two years ago, I had just gotten out of a terrible relationship that I allowed to go on for far, far too long. Two years ago, if you had told me, "Hillary, in just two years, you'll be married to the type of man that you've always dreamed of, the type of man who only makes you cry happy tears, the exact man that God himself created for you, because God knows, literally, how badly you need him." If you had said something like that to me in 2013, I probably would have cried, honestly, because I never would have believed you.
To bring it all home, I am a lucky girl. Even though searching for a job in this little bitty town is about to drive me to drink, I am still lucky. I am lucky because even though I'm so stressed out, when I can't handle it, I have Ryan, and he makes things better. And I have Jesus, who I know is working for my good according to his plan for my life. I trust that he will land me exactly where I need to be, because he always has in the past. I can look back at my life and see how God worked things out to my advantage so many times. All I can say is that, He does work in mysterious ways. And who knows, maybe this job hunt is going to take awhile, but in the end, maybe it will lead me to the place I'm supposed to be.

About me

My name is Hillary. I'm 25 years old. Still in college because I can't get my crap together. BUT, set to graduate with my Associates in Applied Science, Paralegal, on December 17, 2015. Job hunting like crazy currently. It's a harsh place to be. I'm in love with a living dream of a man. No, seriously, the man is absolutely perfect. His name is Ryan, I'm sure you'll hear a lot about him if you read this blog regularly. We've been engaged since July (most romantic engagement ever), and we're set to be married on January 29th, 2016. As you can imagine, between school, graduation looming, job hunting, and wedding planning, my life is a little bit (understatement) nuts right now. It's stressful for me, but it makes for great entertainment for the rest of you. Stay Tuned ;)