Dear God, it is finally Friday! This has been the longest week ever, at least for me. Time is crawling because I am so ready for this wedding. Anxiety is growing. Stress is growing, but excitement and anticipation are too.
And in the midst of all the excitement and happiness, Satan snuck in between us. Yes, that's right. The perfect couple had a fight. Well, I wouldn't even call it that really. It was more that the perfect man did something wrong, I called him on it, and he realized the error of his way, and thus, being the godly man that he is, he apologized to me. (Now please don't inquire about the offense. It is the least important thing in the world at this point.) His apology was sincere and heartfelt on a deep and personal level. And ladies, we all know that your average man doesn't know how to apologize at all. I have never had a man apologize, and admit his mistake to me....EVER. So when Ryan did it, I really didn't know how to react.
Apparently, I am not as godly as I thought myself to be. You see, unlike my Heavenly Father, I have the ability to forgive, but I do not have the ability to forget quite as easily as He does. When Ryan apologized, I told him instantly that I forgave him. And I did, really, but it just kept sneaking back into my mind. Just when I would feel myself starting to move on from the hurt and disappointment, something would happen to make me think of it again, and I would feel the disappointment again like it was still fresh.
I was struggling. Satan was stealing my joy. Here I am, about to get married, and suddenly my excitement is stopped short. I had nightmares about calling off the wedding (Disclaimer: this was just a bad dream, not once did this ever cross my mind in real life.) And the worst part was, that Ryan wasn't sleeping at all, because even though I said I had forgiven him, I think deep down, he knew that I was still thinking about it. He could feel that I wasn't being as affectionate towards him. I wasn't looking him in the eye when I spoke to him or when I said "I love you." It was hurting him just as much, if not more, as it was hurting me.
Last night, Ryan had to go to work at 1:00 in the morning. Usually when he does this, he sleeps on the couch at my parents' house until time to go in. We had been hanging out all night, just watching tv while he napped on and off. At one point, I confessed to him that I was still feeling the disappointment of our fight. I told him that I had stopped being as excited and happy about the wedding and honeymoon. I wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know. When it was time for me to go to bed, Ryan took my face in his hands, he pressed his forehead to mine, and he started to pray. He told God that he was sorry for what he had done and asked his forgiveness. He asked God to help me forgive him. He asked God to help me forget about this so I could find my joy again. And he promised God that he would do better for me and that he would make an even bigger effort to keep me safe, emotionally and physically. And when he had finished, he kissed my forehead, and I went upstairs to bed.
I stared at the ceiling for awhile letting the weight of Ryan's prayers sink in. It felt like almost instantly I could feel God breaking my chains. I slept soundly and woke up feeling refreshed. I'm resolving to only let this situation make us stronger. honestly, this is the first time we have had a disagreement/misunderstanding like this. And honestly, I'm so glad it happened now and not while we were on the honeymoon or the day before the wedding or something like that. I truly in my heart believe that Ryan is sorry. I also truly believe that he will do better because it hurt him so much to see me hurting. The song that is playing in my head goes something like this, "So let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace, the prisoner that it really frees is you. Forgiveness."
God, please help me to remember that Ryan is only human and that he won't be perfect all the time. He'll probably mess up countless more times in our marriage. Give me the ability to forgive and forget his offenses in the same way that you forgive and forget our sins. Help me to see, not only Ryan, but everyone I encounter with eyes of grace like yours. God, I pray that when I mess up, as I am sure to sooner or later, that Ryan will show me grace and love and mercy. Help us to continue to seek you in our relationship above everything else. Thank you for bringing us together according to your perfect, perfect plan. Amen.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Friday, January 15, 2016
Maybe God is a hopeless romantic too.
So it's two weeks before my wedding. Is this even real life?! If you follow this blog regularly, you have already discovered the two things I am most passionate about: my Jesus, and my fiancé. My favorite thing in the world is when my two passions are playing off one another. It happens all the time. God constantly reminds me that I wouldn't have Ryan in my life if it wasn't for him. And on the other hand, Ryan constantly reminds me to seek God in my everyday life. It's the kind of balance I have dreamed about my whole life.
We did a little pre-marriage counseling this morning. I was a little nervous because I didn't know what to expect, but I honestly don't believe it could have gone any better. Our pastor advised us to pray together every day. We don't pray together every day, mostly because we don't see each other every day (night shift problems). But, we do pray together quite frequently. This is completely new to me. I've never done this with another man, ever. And frankly, when Ryan first suggested it, I was scared out of my mind. Sometimes I still am, but the idea is growing on me. He usually prays aloud for us. I would have thought he would have been more nervous about praying aloud in front of me, but surprisingly, he acts like it is the most natural thing in the world. It really warms my heart.
Another thing our pastor said to us is that after we get married, Ryan will become like the pastor in my life because he is supposed to lead me spiritually. He looked at Ryan and said, "That should scare you to death." Later on, Ryan confided to me that he isn't scared of that at all. He said, "It seems like the natural thing a man should do for his wife. I can't imagine not helping you grow spiritually." And it's so true, ever since I met Ryan, my relationship with God has grown so strong.
A few days ago, one of my very dear friends was struggling with some pretty adult-like decisions. She confided in me. She asked, "Were you scared -- or are you scared about spending your life with Ryan and about everything that's going to come with being married and how did you know that was the right thing?" Pretty heavy questions with not so simple answers.
To answer these questions, I'll give you some background on me. Reading and writing have been two of my favorite things since I was a kid. I am a sucker for happy endings. I love old-school romance, the kind that makes you wish for a time before social media and texting, back when men were obvious about their intentions instead of waiting one minute longer than you did to text back so he doesn't seem needy and desperate (can you believe that's a real thing people do?)
Did you know the Bible itself is a love story, a romance if you will? God, the creator of the universe, actively pursues us. He consistently reveals himself to us. From the very beginning in the garden, he has made it known that he desires a relationship with us. Have you ever heard the song "How He Loves"? Have you ever listened to the lyrics? The song beautifully captures the love story. I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.
God knew exactly what I needed when he sent me Ryan. He knew that I needed someone to actively pursue me. He knew I needed a man that was honest, compassionate, affectionate, and godly. He knew that I needed someone to romance me. He knew I needed someone to make me laugh. He knew I needed someone to build me up and help me see the good in life again. He knew that my heart had been broken and that I was giving up hope of ever finding a man worth risking that again.
When my friend asked me these questions, I told her no, I'm not scared. How could I be scared? Let me take that back. I am scared of certain things. I'm scared of spending nights alone while Ryan works. I'm scared of living in a different town. I'm scared that our finances will somehow fall apart. But do I have any doubts that I'm suppose to marry Ryan? No, not one, never. Never have I had more peace about anything in my entire life. Loving Ryan wasn't even a choice I made. It was just like something that was hard wired into my system. Loving Ryan is the most natural thing I've ever done. I feel like I've known him for years. I feel like I've loved him for years. Because I think I have.
Every man I have ever dated has had something about him I have wanted to change. Either they didn't have time for me, they didn't like to talk enough, they didn't make me laugh, they weren't affectionate, they didn't encourage me to follow my dreams, or they just had no regard whatsoever for my feelings, they were all insufficient to meet my needs in some way or another. You name it, there was always something I would have changed about all of them. But not with Ryan. I'm not saying he is perfect. He's a neat freak, the world's worst driver, his grammar makes me cringe, and he falls asleep if you don't pay attention to him for more than 90 seconds. But even with these minor flaws, I wouldn't change a thing about him. Not one single thing. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is the man God intended for me to marry. So no, I'm not scared. No, I'm not nervous. No, I don't have cold feet. I've been dreaming of this marriage to this man my whole life.
After hearing my response to the question, another friend in the conversation asked, "Where's my Ryan?" Promise you he's out there, And he'll show up when you least expect it. Right when you have accepted the fact that you'll be single forever and maybe after you consider becoming a nun, that's when he'll show up. Because God has a sense of humor. My advice to those of you still seeking your Ryan, PRAY ABOUT YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE EVERY DAY. When I radically started praying about my dating life, God dramatically changed my heart. He gave me discernment about different men who had asked me out so that when Ryan did introduce himself to me, I immediately felt like he was someone I wanted a second date with. Bonus: Some of Ryan's first words to me had to do with his relationship with Jesus Christ. It was so refreshing to have a man be so upfront about something like that. So for me, God could not have been more obvious if he himself had spoken audibly from the heavens to tell me, "This one." So please, ladies and gentlemen, don't settle. I almost did, and I almost missed some of the biggest blessings in my life.When people say that you'll just know when you meet the one, it's absolutely true. God bless.
We did a little pre-marriage counseling this morning. I was a little nervous because I didn't know what to expect, but I honestly don't believe it could have gone any better. Our pastor advised us to pray together every day. We don't pray together every day, mostly because we don't see each other every day (night shift problems). But, we do pray together quite frequently. This is completely new to me. I've never done this with another man, ever. And frankly, when Ryan first suggested it, I was scared out of my mind. Sometimes I still am, but the idea is growing on me. He usually prays aloud for us. I would have thought he would have been more nervous about praying aloud in front of me, but surprisingly, he acts like it is the most natural thing in the world. It really warms my heart.
Another thing our pastor said to us is that after we get married, Ryan will become like the pastor in my life because he is supposed to lead me spiritually. He looked at Ryan and said, "That should scare you to death." Later on, Ryan confided to me that he isn't scared of that at all. He said, "It seems like the natural thing a man should do for his wife. I can't imagine not helping you grow spiritually." And it's so true, ever since I met Ryan, my relationship with God has grown so strong.
A few days ago, one of my very dear friends was struggling with some pretty adult-like decisions. She confided in me. She asked, "Were you scared -- or are you scared about spending your life with Ryan and about everything that's going to come with being married and how did you know that was the right thing?" Pretty heavy questions with not so simple answers.
To answer these questions, I'll give you some background on me. Reading and writing have been two of my favorite things since I was a kid. I am a sucker for happy endings. I love old-school romance, the kind that makes you wish for a time before social media and texting, back when men were obvious about their intentions instead of waiting one minute longer than you did to text back so he doesn't seem needy and desperate (can you believe that's a real thing people do?)
Did you know the Bible itself is a love story, a romance if you will? God, the creator of the universe, actively pursues us. He consistently reveals himself to us. From the very beginning in the garden, he has made it known that he desires a relationship with us. Have you ever heard the song "How He Loves"? Have you ever listened to the lyrics? The song beautifully captures the love story. I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.
God knew exactly what I needed when he sent me Ryan. He knew that I needed someone to actively pursue me. He knew I needed a man that was honest, compassionate, affectionate, and godly. He knew that I needed someone to romance me. He knew I needed someone to make me laugh. He knew I needed someone to build me up and help me see the good in life again. He knew that my heart had been broken and that I was giving up hope of ever finding a man worth risking that again.
When my friend asked me these questions, I told her no, I'm not scared. How could I be scared? Let me take that back. I am scared of certain things. I'm scared of spending nights alone while Ryan works. I'm scared of living in a different town. I'm scared that our finances will somehow fall apart. But do I have any doubts that I'm suppose to marry Ryan? No, not one, never. Never have I had more peace about anything in my entire life. Loving Ryan wasn't even a choice I made. It was just like something that was hard wired into my system. Loving Ryan is the most natural thing I've ever done. I feel like I've known him for years. I feel like I've loved him for years. Because I think I have.
Every man I have ever dated has had something about him I have wanted to change. Either they didn't have time for me, they didn't like to talk enough, they didn't make me laugh, they weren't affectionate, they didn't encourage me to follow my dreams, or they just had no regard whatsoever for my feelings, they were all insufficient to meet my needs in some way or another. You name it, there was always something I would have changed about all of them. But not with Ryan. I'm not saying he is perfect. He's a neat freak, the world's worst driver, his grammar makes me cringe, and he falls asleep if you don't pay attention to him for more than 90 seconds. But even with these minor flaws, I wouldn't change a thing about him. Not one single thing. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is the man God intended for me to marry. So no, I'm not scared. No, I'm not nervous. No, I don't have cold feet. I've been dreaming of this marriage to this man my whole life.
After hearing my response to the question, another friend in the conversation asked, "Where's my Ryan?" Promise you he's out there, And he'll show up when you least expect it. Right when you have accepted the fact that you'll be single forever and maybe after you consider becoming a nun, that's when he'll show up. Because God has a sense of humor. My advice to those of you still seeking your Ryan, PRAY ABOUT YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE EVERY DAY. When I radically started praying about my dating life, God dramatically changed my heart. He gave me discernment about different men who had asked me out so that when Ryan did introduce himself to me, I immediately felt like he was someone I wanted a second date with. Bonus: Some of Ryan's first words to me had to do with his relationship with Jesus Christ. It was so refreshing to have a man be so upfront about something like that. So for me, God could not have been more obvious if he himself had spoken audibly from the heavens to tell me, "This one." So please, ladies and gentlemen, don't settle. I almost did, and I almost missed some of the biggest blessings in my life.When people say that you'll just know when you meet the one, it's absolutely true. God bless.
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