Eyes of Grace.

Dear God, it is finally Friday! This has been the longest week ever, at least for me. Time is crawling because I am so ready for this wedding. Anxiety is growing. Stress is growing, but excitement and anticipation are too.
And in the midst of all the excitement and happiness, Satan snuck in between us. Yes, that's right. The perfect couple had a fight. Well, I wouldn't even call it that really. It was more that the perfect man did something wrong, I called him on it, and he realized the error of his way, and thus, being the godly man that he is, he apologized to me. (Now please don't inquire about the offense. It is the least important thing in the world at this point.) His apology was sincere and heartfelt on a deep and personal level. And ladies, we all know that your average man doesn't know how to apologize at all. I have never had a man apologize, and admit his mistake to me....EVER. So when Ryan did it, I really didn't know how to react.
Apparently, I am not as godly as I thought myself to be. You see, unlike my Heavenly Father, I have the ability to forgive, but I do not have the ability to forget quite as easily as He does. When Ryan apologized, I told him instantly that I forgave him. And I did, really, but it just kept sneaking back into my mind. Just when I would feel myself starting to move on from the hurt and disappointment, something would happen to make me think of it again, and I would feel the disappointment again like it was still fresh.
I was struggling. Satan was stealing my joy. Here I am, about to get married, and suddenly my excitement is stopped short. I had nightmares about calling off the wedding (Disclaimer: this was just a bad dream, not once did this ever cross my mind in real life.) And the worst part was, that Ryan wasn't sleeping at all, because even though I said I had forgiven him, I think deep down, he knew that I was still thinking about it. He could feel that I wasn't being as affectionate towards him. I wasn't looking him in the eye when I spoke to him or when I said "I love you." It was hurting him just as much, if not more, as it was hurting me.
Last night, Ryan had to go to work at 1:00 in the morning. Usually when he does this, he sleeps on the couch at my parents' house until time to go in. We had been hanging out all night, just watching tv while he napped on and off. At one point, I confessed to him that I was still feeling the disappointment of our fight. I told him that I had stopped being as excited and happy about the wedding and honeymoon. I wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know. When it was time for me to go to bed, Ryan took my face in his hands, he pressed his forehead to mine, and he started to pray. He told God that he was sorry for what he had done and asked his forgiveness. He asked God to help me forgive him. He asked God to help me forget about this so I could find my joy again. And he promised God that he would do better for me and that he would make an even bigger effort to keep me safe, emotionally and physically. And when he had finished, he kissed my forehead, and I went upstairs to bed.
I stared at the ceiling for awhile letting the weight of Ryan's prayers sink in. It felt like almost instantly I could feel God breaking my chains. I slept soundly and woke up feeling refreshed. I'm resolving to only let this situation make us stronger. honestly, this is the first time we have had a disagreement/misunderstanding like this. And honestly, I'm so glad it happened now and not while we were on the honeymoon or the day before the wedding or something like that. I truly in my heart believe that Ryan is sorry. I also truly believe that he will do better because it hurt him so much to see me hurting. The song that is playing in my head goes something like this, "So let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace, the prisoner that it really frees is you. Forgiveness."
God, please help me to remember that Ryan is only human and that he won't be perfect all the time. He'll probably mess up countless more times in our marriage. Give me the ability to forgive and forget his offenses in the same way that you forgive and forget our sins. Help me to see, not only Ryan, but everyone I encounter with eyes of grace like yours. God, I pray that when I mess up, as I am sure to sooner or later, that Ryan will show me grace and love and mercy. Help us to continue to seek you in our relationship above everything else. Thank you for bringing us together according to your perfect, perfect plan. Amen.