Q&A: What you need to know about our Wyoming move.

What's up, party people?! So, in light of the cross-country move that Ryan and I are about to undertake, the lovely people at the Odyssey have informed me that I can no longer write on their team. Sad times, yes. But don't worry, if you enjoy my writing, you can still check out my personal blog whenever you want to. I am sure that with the upcoming move, I will have a lot of thoughts, and writing is very therapeutic to me. So anyone reading this, welcome to the therapy session!

So how about this move? It's crazy, right? It did happen very suddenly. I know that a lot of my family and friends have some big questions. Keep reading and I will see if I can answer some of the tough ones.

1) How did you find this job in Wyoming?
I had been looking! It's no secret that Ryan and I love Wyoming. We are nature junkies to the core and Wyoming is an explorer's paradise. Ever since we met, we have been talking about how cool it would be to live and work in Wyoming. I just began looking for jobs in my profession that would put us in Wyoming or Montana and when I stumbled upon this one, I jumped at the opportunity to apply.

2) What kind of job is it and where exactly is it?
My official title is legal support specialist. My employment is through the State of Wyoming working for a public defender in the city of Gillette. I won't go into detail about the money or the benefits, but I will say that it is a significant amount more than what I am making here. Furthermore, I would say this is very close to what I consider to be my dream job. I can't imagine all of the cases I am going to get to see. Even if this move doesn't turn out to be permanent and somewhere along the way, we decide to move back to Alabama, this job will give me so much experience that I can take with me for wherever God puts me next.
We will be living in Gillette, Wyoming. It's in the northeast corner of the state. If you drive two hours north, you're in Montana. If you drive three hours east, you're at Mount Rushmore. If you drive five hours south, you're in Denver. And finally, if you drive 4 hours west, you're in Yellowstone. Yes, it snows there a lot (58 inches last winter). No, Ryan's parents will not be particularly close to us.

3) It's still just a job; why are you going so far away for a job?
You don't get it. It's not about the job. If it was just about the job, they would have to pay me at least $100/hour. This move is more about our faith than it is the job. Some people reject this answer when I tell them that, but it is the truth. We feel like God is calling us away from our home for a reason. Honestly, we don't know what that reason is yet, but I know it's something big.

4) What is Ryan going to do for work?
We don't know yet. Please pray that he can find a job quickly once we get out there. Our loved ones have expressed concern about this. It is scary, but to tell you the truth, I am not worried. Yes, I am confident in my husband and his skill set, but I am so much more confident in my God.
Ever since we said "yes" to this move, God has handled every obstacle that has been thrown in our path. If you were looking on from the outside, you may think, well, aren't they lucky. But my friend, it is so much more than luck. We have been on our knees praying our hearts out every single night and God has been answering prayer, after prayer, after prayer. I know he is going to provide for us, How could I possibly doubt him now?

5) Aren't you going to miss your friends? How are your families handling the news?
Of course we are going to miss our people here in Alabama. That is, perhaps, the worst part of it all. But as I have told my mother a thousand times, I am moving, I am not dying. Lord willing, we will back. Maybe not right away, but we will come home for visits and holidays. The world of technology is a wonderful thing. If you miss us, pick up the phone and give us a call! It will probably make our day! Furthermore, any time anyone wants to come and visit us, we have spare bedrooms and if you look hard enough, you can find a steal on some plane tickets.
As for our families, obviously they are sad to an extent. However, the majority of them have been very supportive. As for the rest of them, they will come around, because they love us and that love will conquer any sadness, anger, or abandonment they may feel. I'm sure of it.

6) Aren't you nervous?
Honestly, not anymore. When we were waiting to hear back from the interview, when we had not made our decision, when we were waiting to hear from God, I was terrified. Ryan and I both were. We couldn't sleep at night so we mostly just stayed up talking and praying and occasionally, crying. God made it clear to us that if I was offered this job, we were supposed to take this leap of faith and go with it. As soon as I said yes, it was like God shielded us from any fear, nervousness, or anxiety we might feel. I haven't been able to feel anything but joy and peace and overwhelming excitement. People have said some pretty hurtful things to us in questioning this decision, but God has allowed me to see past all of that as well.

7) How can we help?
I've had people asking me this left and right! PRAY FOR US! That is the only thing I ask of you!

8) What should we pray for?
Pray that God will continue to shield us from all of the negative emotions that can come with such a huge change. Pray for our families, that God will give them peace about this and help them not to worry for us. Pray for traveler's mercy for us as we drive the 24 hours to our new home in Gillette. Pray that the sell on our home will continue to go smoothly. Pray that Ryan can find a job quickly. Pray that we can find a good church home where we can serve actively. Pray that God will put lost people in our paths and give us opportunities to tell our story.

Beauty for ashes.

Hey everyone.

So, Ryan and I are thinking about getting couples tattoos. Please spare me your opinions or beliefs about how they're known to be the "kiss of death" for relationships. I think everyone who knows us should know that we are the farthest thing from your average tattoo-getting couple. Besides, what we have in mind is very subtle and technically they aren't even going to match. I have put a lot of thought into mine. I have two other tattoos. One of them I got when I was 19 on a whim. I was spending a weekend with my best friends, and we wanted to do something out of the ordinary and exciting. So they accompanied me to get my very first tattoo. I had not done any research on the artist or the salon or even what I wanted. When I got to the shop, I just picked something out of a book. I put it in a place where I knew my mother wouldn't see it. If you were to see this particular tattoo, you would think, "Well, that's silly, it doesn't have any meaning, it's just a silly heart." But it means so much more than that to me. You see, this particular tattoo reminds me of a time in my life when I was hurting. I was fresh out of high school, taking basics at the community college, didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, wandering aimlessly, very far away from God. This tattoo reminds me of how far I've come. I regret the tattoo placement. I regret that I lied to my parents about it. But do I regret the actual tattoo? Heck no. 

My second tattoo I got when I was 23. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of five years. I had dropped out of court reporting school. Once again, I was hurting and wandering and lost. Only this time, I was not far from God. I was angry at God for changing my life in such a drastic way like that. I told my friends that I equated it to having a rug ripped out from under me. I had my whole life planned out, the future looked clear, and then God said, No, that's not my plan for you. It hurt. I was scared. And instead of running from God, this time I ran to him. And he gave me this verse. John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this life you will have trouble, but TAKE HEART, for I have overcome the world." Oh my soul rejoices every time I hear it, every time I say it. I knew I had to mark this on my skin as a permanent reminder to myself. So on a hot night in June, my cousins and I went to a tattoo shop, one I had researched well, and I got the words Take Heart tattooed on my wrist. I have not regretted this decision for even one second. It's in a very obvious place where people often see it. My favorite thing is when people ask me about what it means and I get to share the scripture with them. It makes my heart so happy. 

This tattoo that Ryan and I are getting is different though. My past two tattoos I got in a time of pain. This one will be in a time of joy. I am still undecided. But I am seriously considering getting the words, "Beauty For Ashes" tattooed on my shoulder, with our wedding date underneath it. This phrase is from a verse out of Isaiah. (61:3 if you're curious!) It describes the way I feel about meeting Ryan. When I met Ryan, I was in a very bad place. I didn't believe I would ever find a man who would love me just the way I was. I didn't believe in soulmates. I didn't believe that God had made another heart just like mine. I definitely didn't believe I was ever going to find that heart. My heart had been broken and burned. Ashes.

Ryan is so much more than just my husband. He is my spiritual leader. He is my soulmate. He is my walking, talking answered prayers! If ever I doubt that God is listening, if ever I doubt that God can hear me, all I have to do is look at Ryan. And I know He's there. I know He's been there all along. I know that even in my darkest times, that He has never left me and that all this time He has been perfecting His plan in my life. It's breathtaking. It's beautiful. He gave me Beauty in return for my Ashes. 

Beauty from Ashes. 

Eyes of Grace.

Dear God, it is finally Friday! This has been the longest week ever, at least for me. Time is crawling because I am so ready for this wedding. Anxiety is growing. Stress is growing, but excitement and anticipation are too.
And in the midst of all the excitement and happiness, Satan snuck in between us. Yes, that's right. The perfect couple had a fight. Well, I wouldn't even call it that really. It was more that the perfect man did something wrong, I called him on it, and he realized the error of his way, and thus, being the godly man that he is, he apologized to me. (Now please don't inquire about the offense. It is the least important thing in the world at this point.) His apology was sincere and heartfelt on a deep and personal level. And ladies, we all know that your average man doesn't know how to apologize at all. I have never had a man apologize, and admit his mistake to me....EVER. So when Ryan did it, I really didn't know how to react.
Apparently, I am not as godly as I thought myself to be. You see, unlike my Heavenly Father, I have the ability to forgive, but I do not have the ability to forget quite as easily as He does. When Ryan apologized, I told him instantly that I forgave him. And I did, really, but it just kept sneaking back into my mind. Just when I would feel myself starting to move on from the hurt and disappointment, something would happen to make me think of it again, and I would feel the disappointment again like it was still fresh.
I was struggling. Satan was stealing my joy. Here I am, about to get married, and suddenly my excitement is stopped short. I had nightmares about calling off the wedding (Disclaimer: this was just a bad dream, not once did this ever cross my mind in real life.) And the worst part was, that Ryan wasn't sleeping at all, because even though I said I had forgiven him, I think deep down, he knew that I was still thinking about it. He could feel that I wasn't being as affectionate towards him. I wasn't looking him in the eye when I spoke to him or when I said "I love you." It was hurting him just as much, if not more, as it was hurting me.
Last night, Ryan had to go to work at 1:00 in the morning. Usually when he does this, he sleeps on the couch at my parents' house until time to go in. We had been hanging out all night, just watching tv while he napped on and off. At one point, I confessed to him that I was still feeling the disappointment of our fight. I told him that I had stopped being as excited and happy about the wedding and honeymoon. I wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know. When it was time for me to go to bed, Ryan took my face in his hands, he pressed his forehead to mine, and he started to pray. He told God that he was sorry for what he had done and asked his forgiveness. He asked God to help me forgive him. He asked God to help me forget about this so I could find my joy again. And he promised God that he would do better for me and that he would make an even bigger effort to keep me safe, emotionally and physically. And when he had finished, he kissed my forehead, and I went upstairs to bed.
I stared at the ceiling for awhile letting the weight of Ryan's prayers sink in. It felt like almost instantly I could feel God breaking my chains. I slept soundly and woke up feeling refreshed. I'm resolving to only let this situation make us stronger. honestly, this is the first time we have had a disagreement/misunderstanding like this. And honestly, I'm so glad it happened now and not while we were on the honeymoon or the day before the wedding or something like that. I truly in my heart believe that Ryan is sorry. I also truly believe that he will do better because it hurt him so much to see me hurting. The song that is playing in my head goes something like this, "So let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace, the prisoner that it really frees is you. Forgiveness."
God, please help me to remember that Ryan is only human and that he won't be perfect all the time. He'll probably mess up countless more times in our marriage. Give me the ability to forgive and forget his offenses in the same way that you forgive and forget our sins. Help me to see, not only Ryan, but everyone I encounter with eyes of grace like yours. God, I pray that when I mess up, as I am sure to sooner or later, that Ryan will show me grace and love and mercy. Help us to continue to seek you in our relationship above everything else. Thank you for bringing us together according to your perfect, perfect plan. Amen.

Maybe God is a hopeless romantic too.

So it's two weeks before my wedding. Is this even real life?! If you follow this blog regularly, you have already discovered the two things I am most passionate about: my Jesus, and my fiancé. My favorite thing in the world is when my two passions are playing off one another. It happens all the time. God constantly reminds me that I wouldn't have Ryan in my life if it wasn't for him. And on the other hand, Ryan constantly reminds me to seek God in my everyday life. It's the kind of balance I have dreamed about my whole life.
We did a little pre-marriage counseling this morning. I was a little nervous because I didn't know what to expect, but I honestly don't believe it could have gone any better. Our pastor advised us to pray together every day. We don't pray together every day, mostly because we don't see each other every day (night shift problems). But, we do pray together quite frequently. This is completely new to me. I've never done this with another man, ever. And frankly, when Ryan first suggested it, I was scared out of my mind. Sometimes I still am, but the idea is growing on me. He usually prays aloud for us. I would have thought he would have been more nervous about praying aloud in front of me, but surprisingly, he acts like it is the most natural thing in the world. It really warms my heart.
Another thing our pastor said to us is that after we get married, Ryan will become like the pastor in my life because he is supposed to lead me spiritually. He looked at Ryan and said, "That should scare you to death." Later on, Ryan confided to me that he isn't scared of that at all. He said, "It seems like the natural thing a man should do for his wife. I can't imagine not helping you grow spiritually." And it's so true, ever since I met Ryan, my relationship with God has grown so strong.
A few days ago, one of my very dear friends was struggling with some pretty adult-like decisions. She confided in me. She asked, "Were you scared -- or are you scared about spending your life with Ryan and about everything that's going to come with being married and how did you know that was the right thing?" Pretty heavy questions with not so simple answers.
To answer these questions, I'll give you some background on me. Reading and writing have been two of my favorite things since I was a kid. I am a sucker for happy endings. I love old-school romance, the kind that makes you wish for a time before social media and texting, back when men were obvious about their intentions instead of waiting one minute longer than you did to text back so he doesn't seem needy and desperate (can you believe that's a real thing people do?)
Did you know the Bible itself is a love story, a romance if you will? God, the creator of the universe, actively pursues us. He consistently reveals himself to us. From the very beginning in the garden, he has made it known that he desires a relationship with us. Have you ever heard the song "How He Loves"? Have you ever listened to the lyrics? The song beautifully captures the love story. I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.
God knew exactly what I needed when he sent me Ryan. He knew that I needed someone to actively pursue me. He knew I needed a man that was honest, compassionate, affectionate, and godly. He knew that I needed someone to romance me. He knew I needed someone to make me laugh. He knew I needed someone to build me up and help me see the good in life again. He knew that my heart had been broken and that I was giving up hope of ever finding a man worth risking that again.
When my friend asked me these questions, I told her no, I'm not scared. How could I be scared? Let me take that back. I am scared of certain things. I'm scared of spending nights alone while Ryan works.  I'm scared of living in a different town. I'm scared that our finances will somehow fall apart. But do I have any doubts that I'm suppose to marry Ryan? No, not one, never. Never have I had more peace about anything in my entire life. Loving Ryan wasn't even a choice I made. It was just like something that was hard wired into my system. Loving Ryan is the most natural thing I've ever done. I feel like I've known him for years. I feel like I've loved him for years. Because I think I have.
Every man I have ever dated has had something about him I have wanted to change. Either they didn't have time for me, they didn't like to talk enough, they didn't make me laugh, they weren't affectionate, they didn't encourage me to follow my dreams, or they just had no regard whatsoever for my feelings, they were all insufficient to meet my needs in some way or another. You name it, there was always something I would have changed about all of them. But not with Ryan. I'm not saying he is perfect. He's a neat freak, the world's worst driver, his grammar makes me cringe, and he falls asleep if you don't pay attention to him for more than 90 seconds. But even with these minor flaws, I wouldn't change a thing about him. Not one single thing. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is the man God intended for me to marry. So no, I'm not scared. No, I'm not nervous. No, I don't have cold feet. I've been dreaming of this marriage to this man my whole life.
After hearing my response to the question, another friend in the conversation asked, "Where's my Ryan?" Promise you he's out there, And he'll show up when you least expect it. Right when you have accepted the fact that you'll be single forever and maybe after you consider becoming a nun, that's when he'll show up. Because God has a sense of humor. My advice to those of you still seeking your Ryan, PRAY ABOUT YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE EVERY DAY. When I radically started praying about my dating life, God dramatically changed my heart. He gave me discernment about different men who had asked me out so that when Ryan did introduce himself to me, I immediately felt like he was someone I wanted a second date with. Bonus: Some of Ryan's first words to me had to do with his relationship with Jesus Christ. It was so refreshing to have a man be so upfront about something like that. So for me, God could not have been more obvious if he himself had spoken audibly from the heavens to tell me, "This one." So please, ladies and gentlemen, don't settle. I almost did, and I almost missed some of the biggest blessings in my life.When people say that you'll just know when you meet the one, it's absolutely true. God bless.

Christmas thoughts.

Let's talk about Christmas. You probably guessed that was coming, right? I got an email from a store this morning that said " Only 3 days 'til Christmas!" WHAT? These past 23 days of December have really gotten away from me. When I was a kid, I looked forward to Christmas because of the presents. In my family, we put the tree up the day after Thanksgiving and the countdown to Christmas became real at that time. Now that I'm an adult, I look forward to Christmas time because it's a much-needed break from reality. We still put the tree up right after Thanksgiving, but I feel like I don't even recognize it's presence in our home the way I used to as a kid. I've been waiting this whole month for my last few finals to be over before I could really let myself feel any kind of Christmas spirit.
I've been listening to Christmas music today to help me out. Honestly, I am not a fan of most Christmas songs. Frosty, and Rudolph, and Jingle Bells, I'll pass on all of those. The Christmas songs I do enjoy are the ones that actually talk about the birth of Jesus. Go Tell It on the Mountain, Silent Night, Joy to the World, those mean so much more to me now than they ever did when I was singing them in children's choir. My favorite song, though, is Oh Come Emmanuel. Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of it? They're positively haunting.
 "Oh come, oh come Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here, until the son of God appears. Rejoice, rejoice, Emmanuel shall come to thee, oh Israel."
Can you imagine living in the time of Jesus' birth? God had been silent for 400 years! The Jews had gone through times of pressure and had failed in their efforts to re-establish themselves, and had given up all hope. There was a growing air of expectancy that the only hope they had left was the coming, at last, of the promised Messiah. Can you imagine? Redemption began on His birthday. The hope for Israel, and the world, was born in a stable. God has such a sense of humor, don't you think? His people are expecting something grand, something big, something they could see immediately and say, "THIS IS IT." But instead he sends a baby, to poor people, in a poor country, in a poor world. A baby to save the world. Do you think Gabriel laughed when God told him of his plans to send a baby? Do you think Jesus was cute? Do you think he cried? Do you think, even as a baby, that he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders? All questions I would like to ask someday. But for now, all I can do is marvel at the brilliant work of the God of the universe and his magnificent, creative, glorious, all-knowing plan to save a lousy sinner like me. Merry Christmas, everyone. 

When God turns cardio into praise and worship

This morning, I went to the gym. If you lol'ed at that one, you're going to love this one. This morning, I went to the gym and ran. Yes, ran. Running is a relative term, right? I mean, running defined by my friend, Blake, means sprinting for several miles like you're being chased by zombies. Running, to me, means jogging slightly faster than my grandmother power walks. Which, for the record, is pretty fast as far as power walking grandmas go.
Anyways, I hate running. Yes, that's right, I hate it, loathe it entirely. My mother tells me I shouldn't hate people, but she never said I shouldn't hate activities. Everyone in my family runs (for exercise and FUN???), so one might conclude I am adopted, but alas, I am not. I just somehow missed that lovely strand of genetics, drew the short straw there. This running is a somewhat new phenomenon for me. I have tried for several years of my life to follow in my parents shoes. I have tried several different times to grow to love running. I read all the books, bought all the workout gear, did all the stretches beforehand, and drank 39572 glasses of water before, during, and after a running session. But the only thing I have found that can get me through it is Jesus. I recently started praying while I run. It calms my spirit. It relieves my stress. It ultimately leaves my mind and body at ease. While I'm praying and running, I often listen to praise and worship music. Sometimes I get so into it that I begin singing out loud while running on the treadmill at the gym. It's almost like I forget where I am and the fact that I'm surrounded by people.
This morning as I was running, I got so caught up in one of the songs, that I began crying. I don't know if anyone has ever tried to do cardio while crying, but it's a good way to die, really. I had to stop the treadmill and dry it up so I could catch my breath. As I was stopped trying to breathe, it hit me. God wants me to use this song in my wedding.
When my friend, Jessica, got married a few years ago, she had a worship song as part of her wedding. Right after her father gave her away, she and the groom held hands while a talented musician played a beautiful worship song. I don't think there was a dry eye on the stage. It was a special moment, and it really set the tone for the rest of the wedding.
I think we will be copying this. Jessica, maybe you started a trend. I mean, it's my wedding day, the day I marry one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me. Ryan is my good and perfect gift. It only makes sense that I would include a worship song so that I can tell everyone how gracious and merciful and loving my God is. My prayer for my wedding day and our marriage is that we can keep God and each other at the center of it. Pray for us as we continue to plan this wedding, that we can find other ways to show Christ's love and our gratitude to him for bringing us together and giving us this beautiful love and this beautiful life. Amen.

Reflections from the other side of the storm.

It's the week before finals, and all through my life, the tension's so thick, you can cut it with a knife!
You guys didn't know I was smooth like that, huh? No, but seriously, I have like five different assignments due on Monday, followed by two finals on Wednesday, one the week after that, and then graduation(!) on the 17th. It goes without saying that the next two weeks are going to be wild. Today during my last class, I was making a to-do list of all of my assignments due soon. I finished the list and looked over it. I began to stress terribly; how on earth am I going to get all of this done? Then a thought occurred to me from the somewhere deep down. "It's still not as bad as court reporting school." And can I tell you, when this thought occurred to me, I laughed out loud, quite literally.
So, some of you may or may not know this, but I spent four years in court reporting school before I changed my major. It was a daily struggle. Don't take that last sentence lightly. The first year, I had so much motivation. I was only 19 and all anyone talked about was how much money I could make. I breezed through that first year with straight A's. I enjoyed it. I was able to keep my job and still got my homework finished in time. It was great. The second year is where the trouble began. Things became more challenging. To pass in court reporting you have to be able to write on a steno machine at 225 words per minute with a 96% accuracy. IT IS HARD. We built speed by 10 words per minute, and we had timed tests twice a week. I dreaded those because I couldn't pass them to save my life. I got so discouraged. So I practiced harder. I practiced more diligently. I prayed, and I cried, and I practiced, and I continued to fail. I quit my job to have more time for practice. I tried every possible thing my teachers recommended. All of my friends were passing every single test, and that just made it worse. I didn't understand why I was practicing so much harder and not seeing any results. I grew depressed. I developed anxiety. I gained weight. I was tired all the time because all I did was stress. After four years of the madness, I finally gave up. Once again, I was angry at God. God, how could you allow me to spend four years of my life in this program and see no benefits? Now what am I supposed to do with my life?
To this day, I still wonder why God allowed me to suffer through that. When I think about it, it still gets me down sometimes. But then that thought occurred to me today. And I got a small glimpse of what could be the reason for all the suffering. Since quitting court reporting school and starting this current degree, everything has felt easy. Not to discredit the paralegal program, because it does have it's own unique struggles. But they do not even come close to the court reporting program. Perhaps God allowed me to suffer through that hard and challenging time so that other things will seem easy for me. I'm going to make it my motto that whenever I'm presented with a challenge, I'm going to ask myself, "Is this harder than court reporting school?" And 99% of the time, the answer will be no. And when the answer is no, I'll know that I can handle it. God has been good to me. There's always a reason for the struggle. There's always a lesson to be learned. Thank you, God, for bringing me through that storm in my life. It makes me so grateful to be on the other side.

And to my friends who managed to make it through court reporting school and now are successful and thriving, hat's off to you. As far as I'm concerned, you're all superhuman. God bless.